


Recovery Club

by romanceliker420



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, Lemon Demon, Light Angst, Love Triangles, Psychological Horror, Romance, Song Lyrics, Trans Female Character, Trans Natsuki, Yuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 11:13:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17641694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanceliker420/pseuds/romanceliker420
Summary: The Player tried everything they could, but they're gone now.And yet, the fictional universe hasn't ended. Things have become frighteningly normal, actually. There are still a couple unsolved mysteries left to be figured out, but more importantly, five unfortunate souls have got some healing to do.Geez, I hope that doesn't sound too corny...





	1. An Awkward Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> Always wanted to take a crack at fanfiction- this is my very first attempt!

Things changed after Monika attempted to 'end' the literature club- her window to the outside world was well and truly gone, but still they only had yet another reset... but one where they all kept their recollection of every prior one. Without an outsider to fight desperately for, Monika didn't try to provoke anyone, and made herself incredibly scarce.

For approximately a two week period none of them bothered to show up to school, or even interact with one another much. The rest of the 'occupants' of this clockwork world 'should' certainly find it strange that five high schoolers simultaneously entered an extended crisis of existential angst, but they'd discover being inside this game meant there wasn't much in terms of consequences for that sort of thing. They could scream and shout in the streets, or have a big public breakdown in the middle of class but not much would come of it. Their world was like a sponge in a fist, as soon as they could calm themselves down, it would quickly start to regain its default shape.

It became obvious at a certain point that talking to each other about this was going to be a necessity for their well-being. This started with a few conversations here and there. which was turning into a lot of late-nights texting about the pros and cons of the revelation, how it affected their already complex personal issues. That was how the Literature Club was reborn.

But before their first meeting it was unanimously agreed simply voting on important issues was smarter than letting anyone use the title of club president ever again.

 

 

"I want to go by Protag now. Sayo suggested MC, but it doesn't sound much like a real name to me. Protag at least sounds like it could be... eastern european or something." A fairly plain looking boy spoke absentmindedly while sitting on a desk. This clubroom gave him a complicated combination of nostalgia and nausea. From the expressions on the two currently with him, he wasn't alone.

Yuri replied with her eyes affixed to the spot on the floor where she once drew her final breaths. "It's a bit cocky of you to go around referring to yourself as our universes protagonist, isn't it?" She shot him a timid smile to make it clear she was only teasing. They all wanted to fight against the tension that hung heavy in the air around them.

"Sounds like a good name to me." Natsuki agrees with uncharacteristic quickness and ease.

Protag chuckles "I expected you to be the one to give me the most grief over this!"

"Naaahh, I get it. You don't want to be named after some stranger who lived inside you. And when I play Pokemon I always name them stuff like Fart. I'd hate to be Fart." Natsuki gives a huge cheeky grin when she delivers her joke. She succeeds in improving the mood a bit.

"I can't believe you're still so immature." Yuri hides her smirk behind a book.

"I missed this." Protag murmurs, half to himself, an overwhelming sincerity in his voice.

"Yeah, but it still doesn't feel right without our sunshine here!" The small pink haired girl whined.

"I know! But god knows when she'll be coming back, since she's out looking for-- Huhh... ahmmm mmm" He had inadvertently sent them reeling right back to uncomfortable tension. If there was anything keeping Protag from being a totally generic character, it was his extreme denseness.... "Sayori said she understood her after she'd been president. She insisted she deserves a second chance." He added weakly after a few beats. He was afraid of what these girls would do if he even spoke her name aloud, he couldn't imagine how rough things might get if Sayori actually succeeds. He didn't sound particularly confident in what he was relaying to them either, but he felt he had to put his own grudge against Monika aside if it was his best and oldest friend asking him to trust her.

"Tch! I'm not about to forgive and forget, I've got a whooole lot I wanna tell her.... But I guess if it's for Sayori, I'll avoid violence." Natsuki looked like she needed to get control her breathing just to agree to that much.

Yuri nods, "We've all witnessed enough bloodshed. So although I'm still quite angry-" clearly an understatement, from the deliberateness in her tone, and the extra emphasis on quite "I will try to be open minded and receptive to what she has to say, so long as she truly is remorseful."

Protag texts Sayori a thumbs up emoji. He gets back a 'thank you!!! good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' and a moment later, while still smiling at the excessive use of exclamation points, he receives her mission update.

"Okay, she says she found her and they're having a uh, heart-to-heart? She's probably not gonna make it back today, but she promises to come tomorrow." He receives apprehensive nods from both girls. Sayori doesn't make it clear if Monika will also be coming tomorrow or not, and that's obviously the real question on their minds.

"Let's talk about anything else!" Natsuki announced as she closed the old manga she'd been flipping through casually. She gently placed it aside and stood up from her typical reading spot. "Not get sappy but... Sorry I gave the rest of you a such a hard time back then, i know I can be a little.... defensive. And Yuri that thing I said a-about-"

"I recall crossing a similar line myself. I forgive you." The taller girl gives a gentle smile as she approaches and places her hand on Natsuki's shoulder.

Natsuki then pretended to be unaffected by the gesture by responding with a curt "Thanks. Same to you." a deep inhale "My point is if we're gonna survive this stupid dumb fake world together, I want us all to become better friends. Even you." She sticks her tongue out at Pro

"Oh? Even me?" He replied with deadpan sarcasm "That's sweet though. especially from you. I agree." It feels good to have their old banter back.

"Hmph, yeah well... You can thank Sayori for the privilege. If she didn't drag you here you'd probably end up with the anime club, and then I never would have spoke to you."

"Yowch! That's pretty judgemental for somebody always defending manga!" He pouts

"No, dummy! Not because it's full of lame weebs with no other hobbies, it's cause the guys in it are all huge jerks. They came up with that one crappy nickname people call me!"

"What? Was it about your height? Was it something like half-pint? fun sized?" Protag rattled off jokes, believing them to still be kidding around with each other.

"No." It wasn't particularly loud, but the way she said it, plus the intense eye contact, had an almost reverberating effect on the body, like a crowd being suddenly silenced by someone smashing pots and pans together. She was gripping her skirt in a fist. "I shouldn't have brought it up. Just drop it, I'll explain another time."

"Sorry." he winced, Sayori had mentioned right before setting out on her search that he could learn to be a bit more sensitive. And though he knew she was right, things like this always seemed to fly right over his head. Was even Yuri shooting him a glare?! He felt like he was missing something but knew to keep his mouth shut.

It takes a while for them to bounce back from yet another mood ruiner from Pro, but the meeting lasts just long enough for them to feel in high spirits as they packed up their things.

Yuri hands Protag a couple of books before he walks out. "Here! I saw these and thought they might be to your tastes. You see, I went to my bookstore and found something nice for everyone. I walked out with my arms full and didn't pay. Nobody even tried to stop me." She sounded entirely too cheerful.

He opened his mouth and closed it again. Who was he to criticize anyone else for how they dealt with being in a fabricated world? They were all coping in their own odd ways. Was this because they don't have assets for jail cells or cop cars in most dating sims or is Yuri just weirdly good at stealing...? "Thanks Yuri. It's like Natsuki said, we gotta stick together. So if either of you ever need anything just call!" Pro swung his bag over his shoulder and exited the room.

Yuri hesitates and then barely audibly mumbles "Natsuki if you could stay for a moment-" She closes the door to give them some privacy.

Nats is eyeing the floor as if it was unbearably fascinating. She was visibly blushing in an instant. "Yeah, o-of course, whatcha need?" She had read stories that went like this... If only there was an appropriate and perhaps ironic onamonapia for the sound her heart was making.

"How have you been? I mean-" Yuri clears her throat "Have you been safe?"

Natsuki eases up, and lets out a laugh "Oh, I never told you, did I? Yeah, I moved out. Since I figured out nobody would stop me I've been sleeping on the mats in the gym storage room for a few days."

Yuri looks aghast "You've been living here? At school? Seriously?"

She has her hands on her hips and has on her signature proud confident look. "Don't be dramatic, Yuri! I brought a blanket and everything! It's definitely been a major improvement."

Yuri takes Natsuki's wrist in an iron grip, any last sign of timidness washed away in an instant. "That is unacceptable! Come with me!"


	2. Heart-to-Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika and Sayori try to find a way forward

Monika may have lost most of her omnipotence since the Final Reset, but somehow she still retained a fraction of that god-like power she was burdened with. She assumed that was how she sort of just knew when Sayori was looking for her, despite her being all alone in her special place, disconnected from the rest of the universe. She could sense her peeking into various classrooms, hear her calling her name. Monika didn't like this. She had experienced enough emotions in her self-sentenced solitude for a lifetime, waves of gut-wrenching guilt were only slowly becoming less frequent now after so many days of ugly sobbing- the idea of a face-to-face confrontation with one of those she wronged did not seem appealing. But as she observed Sayori from afar it became clear she would likely pursue this goal with the same persistence she had in getting her childhood friend to join the literature club. The former president closes her eyes, exhales and mentally prepares herself.

 

Sayori was wandering outside in front of the school, fairly aimless, since she didn't have a single clue to go on in this hunt, but in the blink of an eye she was someplace entirely different. She found herself less than a foot away from those extremely piercing emerald eyes she'd been looking for.

"WAAahh!" Sayori stumbles backwards, she'd gone about this expecting things to get a little strange, but it was the immediate proximity that had her startled. she examined her surroundings. This place was reminiscent of the clubroom, but it was nearly empty, with a strange starry morphing splotchy vortex outside the windows.

"Whoops! I'm really sorry about that! I think that's just where people other than me wind up?" The second half was mostly mumbled to herself.

"Hi! It's n-niiiiice to see you? eheheh-" The girl with the peach hair awkwardly rocks on her heels and presses her fingertips together. She knew this was something she wanted, but she hadn't exactly written out a script beforehand.

"What is it you want Sayori? If its some explanation for what I did, or the nature of this world, I don't have one. If its an apology.... Then nothing I could say would possibly be enough. If you're afraid of me, then.... I understand, but you can be sure I have no intention of ever hurting any of you again." A long silence hangs over them after Monika's stern words, Sayori looking a little disappointed, searching for how to proceed. "I mean..." Monika tries to soften her tone "I am sorry. Incredibly sorry. For what little that's worth."

"Oh, I already forgave you for all that. I think there's a misunderstanding... I'm here to invite you to join our literature club!" Sayori nearly bounces with excitement as she extends this invitation. She'd been wanting to do this for a while now, and it showed. "I'm happy to hear you're sorry about it though. I had a feeling you would be." Sayori's attention is very briefly diverted to her phone- she smiles as she hurriedly lets her club know she would see them tomorrow. 

Monika slowly rubs the bridge of her nose "There's a lot to unpack here but back up, did you say you... forgive me? For coaxing you into hanging yourself and torturing our friends?" In disbelief she felt the need to reiterate the seriousness of her offenses.

"You could be more sensitive about the matter, Moni!" Sayori pouted "And yeah. Mostly. I'm maybe still a little mad on behalf of the others but... You know what happened. For a minute there I felt the same things you did. When reflecting back on that, all those bad things you did make a lot of sense."

She already knew Sayori was a sweetheart and a gentle soul but Monika never could have seen this coming. She'd become convinced those she shared this existence with would forever see her as nothing but a backstabber and a cruel schemer. She was at a loss, and had to blink away the hints of tears forming at the corner of her eyes. As hard as she was trying to keep her composure, she was visibly trembling. "Oh, Sayori..." she whispered "Even so... I... I don't deserve-"

Sayori grabs ahold of her hands, her natural overflowing empathy was causing her to get choked up simply from watching Monika's reaction. "I can see a good person in you. I bet if you had one more chance... we could all be friends again!" It was difficult to believe this girl had gone through intense sorrows when those eyes were such brilliant blue pools of pure compassion. Monika's mouth was a little agape. "Omigosh it really is super pretty out there!" Sayori giggled, dragging Monika to the windows behind her before she had time to question what she meant.

For what felt like hours the two did nothing but quietly hold hands and watch the dancing of the Rorschach-like lights floating outside the liminal classroom, giving off the illusion that they were somewhere in deep space. Monika felt as if Sayori's touch was returning warmth to her body for the first time in ages.

Monika speaks first. "Even if you forgive me, I can't ask the others to do the same."

"I don't expect things to go right back to how they were. But you do want to apologize to each of them, don't you? Well you can't do that cooped up in here! Wherever the heck here is."

"But! I don't think you understand! I'm not some high school bully, Sayori! I am a borderline serial killer! You shouldn't trust me! You shouldn't be... holding my hand like this!"  She felt nearly ready to relapse back into her previous two weeks of repeated mental breakdowns as she lets go of Sayori and collapses onto her knees, trying to hide away the pained expression on her face. "You don't get how dumb you're being Sayori! This is ridiculous! You wouldn't hold hands and talk things out  with, I don't know, Freddy Krueger!"

"No duh. Of course I wouldn't, silly. He's got those knife gloves."

"Did you really just-?" Monika reveals the first full genuine smile since Sayori arrived. She wasn't putting on some façade or trying to appease her, she had simply fallen prey to that powerful beam of sunshine that had invaded her lonely world.

"So. You never gave me an answer. Wanna join the literature club?" She assists Monika back on her feet and attempts to ignore the odd sensation she had whenever their skin made contact.

With a deep sigh Monika replies "I'll give it a chance."

"Yay! Ehehe!" Sayori grins. they had both been put through the same awful mind-breaking epiphany, but she knew together it'd be less of a insurmountable challenge to get over. "Let's make plans over dinner! I'm getting hungry and my roommate's a pretty good cook!"

"Oh, uh, Dinner? Wait, roommate?! I-I mean I guess?"

"Yeah, it's weird, I know! At first I was all 'waaah I'll be a burden!' but he- never mind, we'll catch you up later! Just swing by my house in a little bit, okay?"

"Sure... I... I'm going to put you back now, okay Sayori?"

"Mhm!! Please come!"

In an instant Sayori was back in front of the school and Monika was alone.

She closes her bright green eyes and slowly exhales. "Christ, I hope I'm not falling in love again."

 

 

When Sayori checks the time she can tell everyone had probably left by now, and she makes her way back home while updating Pro via text

 

 **S;**  it went really well!!! could you make dinner fr 3 pretty please?

 **P:**  Really? After everything she did she won't even treat US to dinner?

 **S:**  I sorta told her how you were a good cook

 **S:**  you wont even do it for your dearest friend...?

 **P:**  Wow! You can be COLD Sayo!

 **P:**  Ok sure, I'll fix something up. Gimmie like an hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got the next two chapters or so planned out pretty well, so I'm guessing they'll be coming soon!
> 
> Again, I'm pretty new to this, so I deeply appreciate any of you who have taken the time to read it. <3


	3. Dinner For Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Protag researches vegetarian cuisine.

Pro hadn't even had time to change out of his uniform when he got the special request from Sayori. He may have protested, but he wasn't about to disappoint that poor girl again. Maybe Monika did pretend be nice to him just to woo some extra dimensional being that temporarily took up residence in his body, and maybe she did force him to see sights he'd be traumatized by for life, but if Sayori wanted him to make her some good food, he would do it. His first thought was steaks- he knew how to do steaks. _But shit, that wouldn't work, Monika didn't eat meat right?_ He opens up his laptop and looks up if he could still use a similar recipe. Huh. Okay, tofu seemed to be the preferred substitute in this kind of situation. He never used tofu before, and though Sayori's kitchen had plenty of junk food and sugary breakfast cereals, she didn't seem to have any tofu. Damn, he'd have to go out to the motherfucking store so Monika could have motherfucking tofu. Of all the people to have ethical qualms about anything.... Protag grumbles loudly to himself as he headed back out the door.

_Oh shut up. After how shitty you were when she needed you, you're lucky to still get to call yourself her friend. The least you could do is make her something nice._

 

 

**FOUR DAYS PRIOR**

Sayori helps move most of her best friends things into her family's small guest room. She'd laugh loudly as she reminisced about childhood slumber parties and the dumb stuff they'd get up to. This was a vast improvement from the day prior when the idea of someone staying with her to help her with simple daily tasks, cheer her up, and make sure she didn't attempt suicide made her feel like nothing but a big awful chore. Protag had talked up how much fun it'd be though, and well, here they were. Sayori liked the idea of having ample opportunity to plan the triumphant return of the literature club.

They sat together on Protags new bed. It wasn't as awkward as one might expect after Sayori's confession was rejected, something about being childhood friends meant no matter what, these things could always feel natural. She could tell he was deep in thought, which was odd given he didn't typically have much going on upstairs. She shoots him an inquisitive smile and he hesitates and carefully searches for the right words.

"Back then... The first time you told me about your depression... Was their more I could've done? Could I have handled things better?"

Suddenly she was avoiding his gaze, her smile still there but tinged with sadness."Ehehe~ I dunno." she peered between her knees, wanting to curl up, to make herself small, to leave this conversation. He'd helped her around the house so much lately, and here he was volunteering to do even more for her. It felt like it'd be wrong to say it. "H-Honestly?" she asks. not rhetorically, waiting for a response, giving him a chance to not open this old wound.

"Yeah. I want to know. I have to know. So I can always be there for you." The sweetness and sincerity in his voice was not gonna make this any easier on her....

"Uh You... Ya kind of goofed up a lot!" she tried to explain in the most lighthearted, chipper fashion possible. But it was clear that plan was not gonna work when actually going into the details. She sighs and places a hand gently on his knee. "Do you remember the first thing you said to me?"

"Not exactly." Pro rubbed the back of his neck a little bit embarrassed by his answer.

"After I told you what I'd been going through, the first thing you did was accuse me of betraying you."

"I just!" He starts defensively but quickly slows down as he processes what he'd done "I... was wishing you'd told me sooner."

"I know."

"But. That was still an awful thing to say. Wow. I really said that." Protag is slowly running his hands through his hair.

"Also, you... at the time you clearly didn't know much about depression... I don't blame you for that, but it wasn't smart to tell me you knew best."

It was obvious that Sayori had thought this over and had held a lot back for the sake of not hurting a friends feelings, but one less ghost of those very bad days was haunting them now that it was out in the open. They talked for a long time, soon enough they were hugging, Protag giving Sayo a heartfelt apology. This nice feeling of healing a strained friendship was the exact reason she wanted to bring back the literature club.

 

 

**BACK TO THE PRESENT**

Sayori had returned back home shortly after he got back from the store, and was lounging on the couch, yelling to Protag in the kitchen that the whole house smelled great. With a pan sizzling behind him, his eyes were split between the recipe up on his laptop and the text he just got on his phone.

 **N:** XD I need some kind of distraction here!  what're you up to? What anime have you been watching this season? Have you read the last volume I lent you?

 **P:** WOULD LOVE TO BOND OVER OUR SHARED DORKY INTERESTS BUT LETS DO IT LATER! NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE HELL TOFU WORKS!

He'd turn around and put his focus back on the skillet, where slices of extra firm tofu were cooked with oil rosemary and garlic. It was how he made steak, and the internet told him it'd work. He'd just trust the internet on this one. He knew he should've done mushrooms or cauliflower as a replacement instead!

It made for a rather hectic evening.

 

It was with perfect timing, as he finished up and was setting the table, that the doorbell rang. 

Protags feet felt heavy. He was genuinely afraid. He didn't move towards the door, he couldn't.

Luckily for him Sayori had sprinted to respond, nearly tackling their dinner guest. "You came! I was so worried you would get cold feet Moni! Come in! Get comfy!"

"H i  M o n i k a ..." Pro barely, hoarsely gets the words out, sounding like someone who had just swallowed a cockroach. She looked identical to the last time he saw her, the uniform, the big white bow and the brown ponytail. He couldn't help but feel like he'd been slammed right back into the nightmare he thought he'd escaped. He needed to get a hold of himself!

Monika steps inside, trying her hardest to keep a polite smile on her face. "Hey Sayori, hey - Protag right? Or Pro? Short for protagonist I'm guessing?"

"N-no.... It's... short for.... Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3... M-my favorite video game." He'd never delivered a joke so awkwardly or so terrified before. He mirrored Monika's forced smile back at her as his heart rate started to finally slow down from the initial sight of her.

"Haha." Monika felt like more of a monster than ever finally confronted with someone other than Sayori.

-Who was slowly backing out of the room. "I need to head to the bathroom real quick. You two catch up!" She knew that neither of the parties present would be able to freely express themselves with her standing in the middle of them. She wasn't dumb, she knew both were going along with this because they wanted to make her happy, and would probably spend the entire time acting like nothing was wrong if she didn't give them space.

 

In the blink of an eye the two of them were left alone in Sayori's kitchen, standing over the carefully presented plates on the dinner table. It wasn't the comfortable silence of childhood friends, it wasn't the sweet silence of two souls reconciling, this was the kind of silence that was loud, like awful static, like feedback from a microphone, painful and shrill.  Both parties were hating it, but what could possibly be said?

"I'm so sorry. For all the awful things I made you watch. For the things I did to your friends. I know there's no taking it back, but allow me to make it up to you any way I can!" For Monika, swallowing her pride was hard even now, but she was desperate, and there would never be a subtle way to get these kinds of feelings across. She bowed her head in shame, in humility.

After some slow deliberate breathes Pro could finally speak again "Sayori wants me to give you a second chance, and... I care about her more than anything else. So I will. But as much as I want to... I'm never going to be able to forget that one morning I came here." He was face to face with Monika for the first time since her crimes, he had to get it all off his chest, it felt like now or never. "I'm curious though Monika. Is this... The first time you've actually spoken to me?": It was something he truly wanted to know, but it came out with an unbelievably icy cold tone.

It didn't take Monika long to figure out what he meant, but she was at a loss when it came to an answer.

 

When Sayori walked back into the room they both gasped for air like they'd been suffocating without her uplifting presence to ease things along. "i'm so hungry!!! Let's eat!" She plops down at the table with a grin. The tensions eased a little, but as Pro and Monika sat on either side of Sayori, there was another level of awkwardness that was hard to place exactly. Something felt out of sorts. But all three had gone into this knowing that this first step would be the hardest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a devout yuri/natsuki fan, I am thrilled about returning to them in the next chapter. 
> 
> Some inspiration for this chapter taken from the ddlc mod 'Sayori Says No To Suicide', which is both cute and informative. I recommend it.


	4. Living Arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet another pair of club member begin living together.  
> Yuri and Natsuki aren't used to getting so much time alone...

The short pink-haired spitfire had tried to argue at first, her pride made it difficult to ever accept charity. She wasn't a stranger to going to bed hungry if it meant avoid that humiliating feeling of helplessness. She loathed being pitied, to the point that she'd too often pushed away those who genuinely wanted to lend a hand. All that being said, she wasn't dumb, she couldn't keep living on a couple vending machine treats a day and sleeping in what was basically sweat-scented closet filled with basketballs. By the time Yuri saw what she was calling her 'new place' there was no realistic way she could keep claiming that this was a normal sustainable way of life. 

They grabbed Natsuki's things and walked home together, Yuri reassuring her it wasn't far.

So. She'd be living with Yuri of a while. Luckily Sayori and Protag had sorta set a precedent that would make this a little less weird.

Yuri carried the blanket that she'd neatly folded up, and Natsuki followed close behind her with a cardboard box mostly filled with manga and some clothes. Nats always knew she had little to her name, but seeing it all right here in front of her, in front of Yuri, it was embarrassing. She liked Yuri, a whole lot, her cheeks were burning as she feared looking like a helpless pitiful loser.

And that was a whole OTHER problem! She'd always found Yuri beautiful but as of late she's found herself thinking regularly about the way Yuri hid beneath her long purple hair, how cute it was when she got flustered and stumbled over her words, how cool it was that such a anxious girl could seem like a whole other person if you brought up something she was passionate about. Natsuki would think about how her looks would make it pretty easy for Yuri to blend in with a higher social class, but despite her shyness, Yuri was ultimately always true to herself in a way that she deeply respected. And today was hardly the first time she'd shown an incredibly kind side.  Oh, and her intense eyes, the way she looked like she could read a person's very soul faster than even the shortest poem. And she always seemed to smell really good. And she had an unbelievable body. 

_Okay, thats a line I shouldn't cross. I'm not thinking about Yuri's body. I have no opinion on her body at all. Whatsoever. This is just a good friend doing me a favor.'It doesn't have to be weird. We're just living together in an entirely platonic, non-sexy way._

Thwump.

she bumped her box against Yuri's back.

She can't help but laugh, while covering her mouth she let out a tiny "Huhuhu,"

They'd arrived, hardly saying a word to each other the whole way because Natsuki had gotten so lost in thought. Approaching her front door had Natsuki heart racing again. It was too real now!

"Come in and make yourself comfortable. Feel free to put your belongings wherever you like. It only now occured to me I forgot to make tea for today's meeting. Would you like some?"

"Yeah. That uh sounds really nice."  _Natsuki get a hold of yourself you've been here for fifteen seconds. Be cool._

Yuri heads to the kitchen to put the kettle on. Natsuki would find herself a seat and make an effort to calm herself. When the hell did her crush get this bad? In an attempt to act casual she pulls out her phone and tries to think about anything besides her dumb rampaging feelings. 

She remembers to change his name in her phone and takes to opportunity to send Protag a text. They'd been getting along well, something Natsuki hadn't expected after abruptly breaking things off between them after that final reset. Learning everything was fake had her reconsidering a whole lot of things- like how she might have jumped the gun a bit pursuing Pro just because he was a guy who treated her nice. She felt a bit guilty that she'd placed herself in that love-pentagon only because she was starved for affection. After all that she expected her decision to cause some kind of drama, but it was barely a week and they were chatting about manga again like nothing happened. 

"Tofu..?" But of course, in her time of need mr. dependable was busy with some stupid nonsense. Given he and Sayori were practically attached at the hip, that was another person she likely couldn't count on right now. And that was a greater shame, since Sayori was less socially inept then the rest of them and could've maybe offered some advice!

Okay, so she was left to figure all this out on her own then.

Yuri was soon returning with two cups of tea, a wide smile on her face, an expression Natsuki wasn't used to seeing on her. At least she didn't get the impression Yuri was at all upset about having company.

"Thank you." Natsuki takes a sip. In a very cool normal way, she put the cup down and pretended she didn't burn her tongue. "Not just for the tea I mean! For all of this. I'm still... not used to having people who care about me. It means a lot." It was difficult to be that sincere, that vulnerable, when she had previously needed to be always ready for conflict every day at both school and at home.

"Oh. Oh my. Well." Yuri played with her hair "Despite our differences in the past, you've been an important person in my life, and I'm happy to be able to help you however I can."

"You're sure I'm not gonna get in the way here?"

"Natsuki, it would be quite the feat for you to be any kind of imposition when I was the one who demanded you come here." Yuri too, was attempting to sound nonchalant. As if her trip to the kitchen hadn't also involved the lighting of scented candles.

 


	5. Monika's Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika enjoys her meal and repays her hosts with an interesting present.

Time seemed to move slowly in Sayori's kitchen that evening. They had trouble shaking what was troubling them at their core. Protag was racked with fear, for the safety of himself and of his friend. Monika was weighed down by the heavy chains of her shame and guilt, feeling as if she was dining with the mocking spectres of her past. And Sayori sat there having to lead the conversation while at the same time worrying that she'd asked them both for too much too fast.

_This was all supposed to end_ , Monika thought to herself, _This could all go bad again, maybe it's fated to always become tragic, or maybe I'm not as changed as I want to believe. There's no happiness to be found in the literature club, no happiness to be-_

"Everything's okay." The same magic warmth from earlier struck Monika. Sayori had noticed her zoning out and placed a hand gently on her knee. Monika smiled.  
_How'd I never notice before today? This girl is some kind of miracle worker..._

"Oh, ha, sorry!" She came back to life, perky as ever. "Wow, I'm almost finished and I haven't thanked you for the food! It did turn out very good. Thank you Pro. It was super thoughtful of you to make something with my preferences in mind." She tried to sound sincere, but after a whole lot of manipulating she was only now attempting to figure out what that word really meant.

"I... I'm glad you liked it!" Even coming from Monika he was able to accept a small boost to his self-esteem. After everything that transpired he didn't have the highest opinion of himself. Even if it was late into their meal, he finally did manage to smile for real. He'd been watching Monika like a hawk but had to admit she didn't seem to be trying anything suspicious. He was letting himself believe Sayori might be right.

"I loved it! You did awesome!" Sayori grinned, turning her plate a bit to show off how clean it was. "I'm getting seconds."

"You've claimed to like everything I've made so far!" He teased Sayori, turning to Monika hoping to include her "She even ate a grilled cheese I practically turned to ash and said it was good!" Pro sighs "Buuut thank you for saying so anyway."

Monika laughs "That does sound like you, Sayo! So you ever help your househusband in the kitchen?" She winks. Monika was at war with herself in regards to what to do with her feelings. Feelings she knew were potentially destructive.

"Waaah! Uh! Sometimes ehehehe..." Sayori blushes.

"Ha, yeah, she's been my sous-chef once or twice, and she's not bad!" Pro attempted to give his roommate the credit she deserves. "I sometimes need her to give me a hand with... uh... knives."

He'd almost forgotten who he was talking to, and ended that sentence softly, already embarrassed. He hadn't meant to scold Monika anymore then he already had, he'd gotten most of it off his chest, but he was always seemed to find the absolute worst thing to say. And Monika experiences the shockwave of seeing how her actions may still be impacting even the day to day lives of her club members.

"Sorry!" Monika and Protag speak in tandem. Some coughs, the movements of silverware seem so much louder now.

"No. That one's on me, you shouldn't feel bad for saying it." Monika reassures, She knew she had to take responsibility.

Pro gives a shrug "Forget it. I've been getting better anyway, I didn't even need to force Sayori to chop stuff today." Pro quickly tries to steer back to a lighter conversation "I'm just happy I've found new hobbies! It really helps the identity crisis ya get from learning you're a boring player stand in meant to be vaguely relatable to everyone."

"Oh yeah. I could imagine. Huh." Sayori chimes in. Even if things were awkward, she was proud those two managed to say anything to each other. It all went better than she expected!

 

 

Monika noticed things were wrapping up without much planning for the club tomorrow. She had to wonder if Sayori ever truly had that in mind.

Pro picked up some dishes. "Want any dessert? Natsuki stopped by and made some cookies with us the other day." He finally felt convinced Monika wasn't going to murder him, and thus was able to sound pretty amiable now

"No thank you. I should get going." Monika walks towards the door, but stops short, smirking and placing her hands behind her back "I do have a little gift for you both before I go."

"Awww! How sweet!" Sayori cooed

Suddenly both of her hosts saw two pink boxes floating in the center of their vision.

One read: **I love you.**

The other: **You'll always be my dearest friend.**

They looked utterly stumped for a few moments. The second one was familiar to them both, but it took them awhile to piece together what this actually implied.  
This meant an important juncture in their relationship was someone else's doing. A choice had been wrenched away from them by the conventions of dating sim game design. Sayori and Protag slowly turn towards each other as they began to understand this huge bombshell. Both stunned. Both unsure how to handle this.

 

"Thanksforhavingmeseeyouatschoolbye!" the door slammed shut.

 


	6. Do I Tell Her?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's only the first night living together but the romantic tension between pink and purple is palpable  
> (alliteration is fun)

 

At Yuri's house the evening was also moving in slow motion, though... this time in more pleasant sort of way.

It was that all too common scenario, two people with a growing fondness for one another are unable to stop themselves from gazing longingly, yet whenever their eyes meet, they simultaneously assume they'd been the one caught in the act. Yuri was better at hiding her reactions to those sorts of incidents, but her awful anxiety had her believing every adorably shy response from the typically brash Natsuki must mean she was doing something wrong, making her guest uncomfortable.  
That doesn't paint the full picture of course. They weren't simply sitting silently, stewing in a romantic tension that would be overwhelmingly obvious to any outside observer looking in. That was only part of it. They were also having a pretty damn good time. 

Since that first cup of tea a lot had happened. 

It started with slightly awkward small talk about how their return back to school and relative normalcy was going, but when the topic of what they were reading came up, that's when the ice was well and truly broken. They'd learned their lesson by now not to judge each others tastes, and could now fully appreciate the joy of watching someone you're close to gush about their favorite characters, settings, and moments, about what so far had elicited the biggest reactions, what had made them shut the book and refuse to continue for a week. Each taking their turn to listen intently, to really observe how they looked when their face lit up with excitement, and to actively ask questions. They're too engaged to notice they've ended up almost huddled together on a couch with more then enough space. It wasn't until Yuri felt their knees touch that she realized she was in perfect kissing range from her perfect pink peony.

 _Oh lord in heaven when did it get this bad? How, in such a short span of time, have I gone from finding her vaguely 'cute' all the way to 'I need to stop myself from reaching out to gently caress her cheek'? We were all so preoccupied back then, was I simply too busy to see the treasure that was right in front of me? Or perhaps now that we've fulfilled our purpose, we are finally free from the typical heteronormative constraints of our genre?_ Yuri's thoughts could so quickly turn into a raging storm

To her embarrassment Natsuki had to snap her out of her trance, luckily they hardly missed a beat getting right back to the swing of things. More tea,  and some talk of what other media they enjoyed. This segued nicely into Yuri bashfully showing off some of the music she was into, "Claire De Lune" was something she loved putting on when writing or studying... But when she wanted to unwind, it wasn't as if she was above stuff like showtunes, or sometimes the revolutionary work of Ms. Carly Rae Jepsen. Yuri did take notice of how excited Nats was when she began to show tastes contrary to her deeply intellectual image. She'd make a mental note to continue to open up. Natsuki's playlists mostly consisted of her favorite anime themes, especially earworm-y pop songs, and punk rock of the especially anti-authoritarian variety. This was less of a surprise- Yuri could see how this reflected her friend's soft and prickly sides.

Then they took notice of the TV. This seemed like a logical next step, if they were sharing their favorites things.

"How about I pick out some anime tonight, and tomorrow you can pick a-" Natsuki found herself being cut off.

 **"A horror film?"** Yuri blushed almost immediately when the words came out so much louder than she intended.

"Yeah perfect!" Natsuki immediately agreed with a toothy grin, hoping she couldn't recall the time she'd outright said she hated the genre.

In that one very gay moment they were thinking about the exact same overdone romantic trope. And they both thought themselves extremely sly.

"Any requests for dinner?" Yuri was practically glowing as the fantasy of being clung onto by the smaller girl played out in her head.

"It's not a-'" she was going to give a flippant answer to let Yuri pick anything, but the thought of food reminded of how infrequently she'd been eating lately. "Do ya got anything we can make really quick?"

"Hmmm, I do keep some cup noodles around..." Yuri offered tentatively

"I never would've thought you'd go for somethin' that lowbrow!" she'd tease "You got any'a the spicy ones?"

Yuri laughs and nods "Yes, I believe so."

Natsuki knew it was hardly a subtle choice, but when Yuri claimed she'd never even heard of Utena, it wasn't hard to make the argument is was a timeless classic absolutely everyone should see. And so that's what she put on for them as they ate their cheap noodles.... and later some popcorn too. This unusual scenario of feeling both safe and full had Natsuki feeling so content she could practically pur. But neither put much more thought into why they insisted on spending the evening sitting so close. Natsuki eventually made the outrageously bold move of resting her head a little on Yuri's shoulder. And it took all her courage just to do that. Of course this was enough to send Yuri's soul blissfully fluttering out of her body.

 

 

As the night went on, Yuri only became more and more conflicted about what to do.  _It makes sense to say it, it would be polite even, to clear the air, to make sure everything is out in the open, right? But I can't possibly. Not in these circumstances. What if she thinks that's the only reason I let her stay? What if she think I'm being coercive? She's going to think I'm a creep who wants her to pay me rent with her body, and she'll hate me and never speak to me again. And then I'll die alone._

Yuri had a bad habit of catastrophizing. She had no idea Natsuki was facing very similar struggles.

It was getting late though, and they did need to get some rest for school tomorrow. So, Yuri led Natsuki to the spare room and wished her goodnight before retiring to her own bed.

Yuri had trouble getting to sleep. _Why in the world does she have that one fang? And why is it so cute?_

Meanwhile Natsuki was thinking about the past. About when she was new to the club. Particularly about the day Yuri came along at just the right moment to challenge some assholes making snide remarks about her. It was even sweeter knowing how Yuri hated speaking to strangers, and avoided confrontation, yet prioritized standing up for her over all of that. And though that was very nice... It wasn't what made her trust Yuri. What was more important was what happened later; all the arguments and bickering during club? Those times things got particularly heated? Sure, they both ended up saying things they regret, but NEVER, not once did Yuri try to weaponize the information she'd learned that day against her. It wasn't uncommon. For those who called themselves open minded accepting souls to twist into fucking demons and use her vulnerable status against her if she dared be the slightest bit grouchy.

Of course, she knew it was really just basic human decency, Yuri didn't deserve a parade for it or anything... but... It felt nice. She was so used to being betrayed or walked all over but when she thought about the literature club and the people there who treated her right, she couldn't help but smile. Sayo, the bubbly sunshine rainbow of life that'd always put her friends first. Protag, the kind of person who says 'let's stay friends' and means it, a genuine bro. And she could go on about Yuri indefinitely, the gorgeous angel who offered her food and a place to stay without a second thought, who had been taking up more and more of her mind with every second that they spent together. For the first time in ages, life seemed really really good.

 

 

 

 **S:** hi

 **S** : yuri?

 **S:** I need relationship advice pweeze :3

 **Y:** It's late.

 **Y:** And why in the world am I your go-to source for that kind of information?

 **Y:**  I promise to help you however I can tomorrow. 

 **S:** thanks so much!!!

 **Y:** Goodnight Sayori <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck, six chapters in and we've progressed about as many hours. Next time we finally see a new day.


	7. Opening Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been such a long time, had a busier semester than I expected and was worried I wrote myself into a bit of a corner but I've been feeling more inspired lately so I'll see if I can't pick this back up.

Sayori, as usual, was dealing with her issues by acting totally unphased. On the other hand, the boy walking beside her on her walk to school knew he couldn't hide his anxiousness about last nights revelation no matter how hard he tried, and was trembling like a leaf. In the short conversation they managed last night after Monika's departure they'd decided to keep living under the same roof and walking to school together- since no matter where they went from here, these had been enjoyable experiences for them both. They'd also agreed that after that initially shock the smart move was to sleep on it and maybe wait until after club to talk about it any more.

Not far two more literature club members were also walking to school together with romance on their minds. Natsuki was carrying the nice lunches she got up early to make for them- in part to pay back Yuri's generosity, and maaaybe to let out a tiny hint of her feelings. She had that cocky fanged grin, thinking how proud she was of her hard work. Yuri found herself slowly walking closer and closer to her clubmate, at first noticing this unconscious action made her blush, but she had to be strong! She knew nothing could happen between the two of them if she remained so damn shy all the time! So, hiding a tiny smile, she would keep walking shoulder to shoulder.... well, figuratively at least, she was about a head taller.

Monika had spent most of the morning pacing her special place, drowning in teen angst. Did she throw away her one opportunity at escaping an endless loneliness? Couldn't just making friends be enough- now that she realized these individuals were truly just as real as her? Did she deserve friendship? Would anyone but Sayori ever understand why she'd been so cruel? In many ways she'd preferred her solitude, sure, the self-loathing was the same, but engaging socially had brought some darker shameful impulses flicker at the back of her mind. She wasn't mad with jealousy anymore, but after using these people only as tools for so long trying to be a better person was proving difficult. She was comforted by a sort of inner-sayori though- "But you are trying." it whispered to her "And that's a good first step."

Though they were starting to put in effort to treat their lives as more than a meaningless game, all of them, even the intellectual and studious yuri, couldn't muster much motivation to focus in class. They all had one thing or another on their minds.

After class their meeting started with a long drawn out silence. Yuri and Natsuki did not get the same opportunity to speak with Monika prior to this, and kept staring daggers at her. Some of them coughed. yuri started to pretend to read.

Sayori's excitement was overriding her fear when classes came to an end. She had this planned out. It likely would be rough at first, but she'd use the club to help all her friends move on from a really awful time, and see if she could assist with the other issues they'd been facing too. then she could spend a few minutes consulting the smartest person in the whole school to try and gleam some wisdom. Then.... well, she couldn't say for sure, but the possibilities, the hopeful outcomes she was allowing herself to imagine, put a far-off daydreamer smile on her face.

Pro knew it wasn't near likely with how much improvement Sayori's shown already, but he couldn't stop imagining how any choice he made tonight might lead back to.... that day. That image from his nightmares that makes him dart upright, gasping, in the middle of the night. He was split between true feelings he did still harbor and a fear that he would somehow curse anyone with whom he became romantically involved to die in front of him. He was so lost in thought as to forget he was even in the clubroom to begin with.

Besides wondering how they were expected to go about normal club activities in the same room as a heartless killer, Yuri and Natsuki had similar lists of insecurities they feared the other would loathe if they were discovered.

Sayori stood up to get things started when it was incredibly clear nobody else was going to. "Okay!" she beamed at her clubmates and smacked both hands onto her desk to get their attention "I think you all know I didn't just get you all together to do erh, literature stuff. I was worried we'd all be carrying a lot of baggage from... what happened. So ever since my therapist told me it was unhealthy to always bottle up my feelings.... I thought we could work together! As friends!"

It wasn't the most eloquent speech in the world but Sayoris attitude was infectious as ever, and she succeeded in easing tension somewhat.

"Though, beyond that, I wasn't sure how to start. Ehehe..." Sayori admitted "Anybody wanna share? You can talk about anything you-"

"I can start." Monika stands up, drawing all eyes to her. "I have a lot to get off my chest after all." she slowly marched to stand in front of the class, hoping her utter dread wasn't too obvious. _If they tear you apart like hungry wolves, you would deserve it...._ She takes a second to get a hold of herself. "First of all, I'm truly sorry, I know the damage is already done, and it was all way too terrible to be forgiven by one little apology but.... I promise to never hurt anyone again, and... and somehow I want to find a way to make things right.!" She blurted  the words out with tears in her eyes, and to her amazement, the two girls who had looked ready to execute her were appearing at least a little more receptive.

"But there's more I should explain. Knowledge about the game and the nature of our world, what you've all ended up with after that last reset... It used to just be me alone. And because of this, i thought I was the only one who could really think or feel. I thought you four were nothing but code. And... I felt so trapped I would've done anything to connect with that outsider- the player. the person who was using Pro to interact with us. This is no excuse. It was still foolish, but that's why I did all those things. looking back I should have realized we were all the same. I don't know if we're real or we're fake but.... After seeing you all go through what I did makes it obvious... I should never have seen myself as any more important or more real." getting that all out in the open might've been a relief but it left her emotionally drained, and without being capable of properly concluding these thoughts she'd rush back to her desk and try to hide her sniffling.

"That was really brave." Sayori approaches with an empathetic smile and a box of tissues "I can tell you've changed a lot."

Monika feels guilty, acting all vulnerable after all shes done, but she takes a tissue nonetheless. 

"...I won't forgive you." Yuri spoke sternly, with more confidence than is normal for her "But I suppose I would be willing to grant you a second chance, since you're repentance seems genuine."

"Uck." Natsuki crosses her arms stubbornly "If my friend Sayori says you've changed, I guess I'll believe her." she sighs.

"I think I already mentioned last night- but uh, yeah. I'm okay with letting the class star have a redemption arc." Pro shrugs.

Despite the reluctant nature of these statements, Monika still feels a weight lifted off her shoulders.

"Okay! That's not a bad start! I think I'll go last, since, y'know, I didn't prepare. Does anyone want to be next?"


	8. Opening Up; Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The club meeting proceeds with three more members getting something off their chest.

Monika’s apology had left them all a little shaken. Yuri, Natsuki, and Protag contemplate what they might have done in her position, if they’d had felt that trapped and lonely. But the one other club member for whom this wasn’t a hypothetical remained standing steadfast beside the whimpering former club president. Sayori gently placed her hands on Monika’s shoulders, softly whispering consoling words. 

Though they had become fully aware of every moment within Doki Doki Literature Club, including Sayori’s own downfall, moments like these were what made Sayori’s friends see her as such a saint. Sayori was the kind of person who cared, sincerely and deeply, for everyone around her.

This line of thinking gives Pro an idea “I guess I’ll get this done with.” He nonchalantly gets up and takes the spot in front where monika had stood. “I wanna start by saying…. That if Sayo went off the deep end having to be club president for a day, I can’t imagine what you went through Monika. I really do hope we can all be friends again.” He offers an olive branch by way of a warm smile. It was mostly to give Sayori some back up, after all he could still too vividly remember her voice saying ‘you kind of left her hanging’.... But it wasn’t a lie either. It was beginning to look like she too was a victim of whatever larger cruel experiment they’d been subjected too.

Monika, still regaining her composure, and could only manage to stop hiding her head in her arms for a few moments to make sure he’d at least know she was still paying attention. She’d totally run out of words earlier, but hoped she could silently convey her gratitude.

“Uh, other than that I just wanna issue my own apology. After talking to Sayori about… everything. I realize just how often I made a total ass of myself in my short time with the club.”

“Hey- I didn’t say it like that!”

“I know, I know, you let me off way too easy. But the more I thought about it I was a creep. Like, I did some restraining order level crap…. Like hand feeding chocolates to someone I just met, or grabbing someone's wrists and pinning them.” He was averting his gaze away from his clubmates so hard that he was about to set fire to the floorboards beneath him with his eyes. “And I’m sorry for coming to a club full of cool interesting people and only seeing it as a bunch of potential girlfriends... And for taking my best friend for granted. I want to believe I wasn’t wholly myself through that time, but I know I at least bare some of that responsibility. And, so…. I’m really sorry. To all of you. And I hope to be a better friend from now on.” He performed a quick, stiff march back to his seat.

The room fell quiet for a couple long long long seconds.

Yuri stands next to take her turn.  “I appreciate your sentiment Protag, but you seem to still have a lot to learn about speaking tactfully.” The smile and teasing tone of voice helped to improve the atmosphere.

Yuri took out a couple index cards. “I know I am not alone in having felt distraught by the philosophical or existential implications of our situation.” Already the shy bookworm was perfectly exemplifying her contradictory nature, both precise and methodical while also insightful and creative. And anyone not hopelessly oblivious would notice this presentation had already totally enraptured Natsuki’s full and undivided attention. 

“Often Nihilism, the belief that life is meaningless, is mistakenly thought of as pessimistic. Though this can be the case, many have pointed out that a meaningless universe has an optimistic side as well. That if we are born without any inherit meaning, it only makes us all the more free to pursue whatever purpose we choose for ourselves. Basically, whether we are created in a God’s image, the result of biochemical chance, or fictional beings in a simulated world, are all unimportant relative to the ability to exert free will and forge our own destinies. And after a lot of thought…. I feel I can say with confidence, that is something we do possess. And in conclusion we should remember that Descartes put forth that an ability to question one's own existence is evidence enough that we exist.” Yuri takes a deep breath, she was not used to public speaking, even for a small group, and was feeling quite self-conscious. Or she was until the rest of the literature club gave her a hearty round of applause. “Oh-! Th-thank you all s-so very much!” 

“Nice speech! That’s gonna be a tough act to follow.” Natsuki gets up and passes Yuri, their eyes meeting for a split second before they forcefully repel each other as though two magnets of like-poles. Once again three out of the five people in the room were able to take note of the tension.

Natsuki stood with her hands on her hips, mouth open, stopping herself, looking pensive, really thinking through what she was about to do.  _ It feels like the right time… Better to spill my guts now while things are still awkward anyway.  _ “So it’s no secret I’ve been a little…. Abrasive. But I want you all to know I was always grateful to have this club. It’s been the one place I felt like I could get away. I’ve been defensive and distrustful cause of… well, a lot of the shit I’ve been through. I figure if I explain maybe I won’t feel the need to put up a front all the time.” She was trying to sound confident, but she was trembling. This wasn’t going to be easy.

“You know some of the basics. I had a shit dad, and I barely got anything to eat. Here’s the rest; I lost my mom when I was too young to remember. Dad’s always seemed to resent being stuck with me, and it only kept getting worse and worse, until he stopped even bothering with groceries and went all-out criminal neglect because he was mad at me for ‘acting like a ***’. And yeah, once or twice he’d get worked up and actually hit me, but usually he was too passed out to bother. So if you wanted to know why I had a bad attitude and spent half the day looking for loose change- that's it.” The short pink-haired girl slowly unclenches her fists.  _ Maybe Sayori was right. That did kinda feel good to say out loud.  _ “Er, but don’t worry, I left home not too long ago I managed to crash at school for a while, but Yuri found out and wasn’t havin’ it so I guess I’m staying with her for the time being.”

A single step, ready to exit the spotlight, and she winces remembering there was still the hardest part. “-And I guess for some context I should explain that-” A couple coughs into her arm, and in a softer voice she continued “I’m a lesbian. I’m into girls. And I’m trans. And yeah, that’s it.” and now it was her turn to nervously hurry back to her seat.

Though there was a split second of confusion, her audience unsure of the appropriate way to react, they’d clap again. Natsuki had some faith in most of those she was with, but it was still a relief to see the faces of all her friends smiling at her. Nobody could have anticipated that the clubroom that had so recently been filled with horror and tragedy would so soon be exuding love and warmth.

_ Are they really doing it? Can happiness be found in the literature club after all?  _ Monika thought, her eyes still red from crying but she couldn’t help feel her mood improving as each person found their own way to bare their souls.

Sayori runs up to Natsuki on her way to take her turn as the final literature club member to speak. She quickly wraps her arms around her neck “Wow! That was amazing Nats!” 

“Thanks.” the tsundere murmurs, almost shouting something about Sayori embarrassing her before recalling she didn’t need to jump to that kind of reaction anymore. Besides, a sayori-hug was exactly what she needed to help calm down after an intense few minutes.

“I was only going to thank everyone for agreeing to come but Natsuki just gave me an idea!” She practically skips to be in front of the class, a sparkle in those big blue eyes.


	9. Where Natsuki Keeps Manga

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be the bad self-indulgent fanfic you wish to see in the world

_“Natsuki just gave me an idea!”_

Something about the way sayori said that had managed to pique the curiosity of all four members. She had that sly look- the kind she wore right before pulling a prank or stealing someone's baked goods. Despite how things may have appeared though, even sayori did not know the true extent of what she was about to unleash upon the Literature Club.

“Now, lets see…” She taps her chin and bounces on the balls of her feet “I’ve been doing better! I think my meds are helping. And therapy definitely is.” She’d start with the elephant in the room so she could proceed on to less somber matters, she’d been meaning to get a chance to dissuade their worries. “It makes me so happy to see everyone in here again! You all mean so much to me, and if, y’know, stuff ever gets to you,know that you can call me anytime!” They didn’t have a club president any longer, but regardless Sayori was definitely the glue holding this new incarnation of the club together. It was hard to admit to herself with her issues of doubt and self-esteem but even she could feel the admiration in all the eyes in front of her. In that moment she felt confident she’d made the right choice in all this, and it felt great. It felt warm.

“And ah-ahmmm” She’d assumed this part would be easy, since Natsuki had already got the ball rolling, nevertheless she was blushing a little bit now that it was her turn. “I-I like girls too. And boys. Girls and boys!. Ehehe... I didn't want Natsuki to heh, think she’s alone there!” She found herself performing that same old nervous quirk, her fingertips pressed together as she giggled.

“Oh! Same here!” Monika spouted out the words before realizing  how thrilled she sounded. “I mean, I guess it’s no secret I had a crush on someone whose gender I didn’t know…” She tacked on, trying to hide her embarrassment.

“Th-this might seem quite the coincidence, I also have been… Questioning the specifics of my orientation. Bi or pan or… wh-what not.” She was looking the exact opposite direction of Natsuki, despite that side of the room being mostly empty desks. “Although I have read somewhere that even unconsciously people who feel ‘othered’ will tend to group together.”

“WHAT?! Ohhh my gosh! All this time the clubs been 4/5ths gay?!” With each of the next two confessions, Sayori has been looking increasingly giddy.

“No-”

“What have I done?” Natsuki sighs, smiling to herself as what Yuri just said played on repeat in her brain

“This is even a shock for me…” Monika speaks quietly, mostly to herself. She couldn’t recall finding any files that hinted at this being an aspect of their ‘game’. After spending so long as God, it was weird feeling surprised by something.

“Excuse me? Hello?”

“Pro? Whats up?” Sayo turns to her childhood best friend, who was waving his arm wildly, in much the same way she would when desperately trying to get him to wait for her walking to school.

“Yeesh- I’ve been trying to tell you I’ve been interested in dudes for a long time now. I mean, I figured I was gonna spend the rest of highschool as a single shut-in loner, so it never came up, but-”

“Seriously?!” Sayo was looking more surprised than ever. Protag was assuming it was because they’d know each other so long but before he could elaborate she started laughing “You own like FIVE pairs of cargo shorts!”

“Oh my god, Sayori! I’m kind of being vulnerable here!” He’d scold her, but he couldn’t stop his mouth from slowly forming a grin “Besides. They’re really comfortable...” At this point the club was all looking pretty entertained by their antics. “We wear identical uniforms 80% of the time anyway!”

Even Yuri was stifling a laugh.  “He does have a certain, and I hope I’m using my terminology correctly, twinkish appearance and demeanor.” She contemplates out loud.

“Is that a compliment or?”

“I had a hunch. He gives off some major bottom vibes…” Natsuki chimed in.

“And what exactly is that supposed to mean?!”

“Nothing really. I just wouldn’t be surprised if Sayori’s given ya the st-”

 **“Okay, Everyone. It looks like we’re running out of time.”** Monika pushes her chair away from her desk loudly as she stands up, taking the initiative to interrupt anything that may not be appropriate for in-school discussion.


	10. Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having a confidant pays off.

As the literature club packed up to leave, Monika was the first out the door. Today had been rough, it could have gone worse of course, but still. She wanted to rest. Besides, she figured it was a good idea to wait a little longer before getting all friendly with everyone again. They might see that as being disrespectful. Yeah... She’d go enjoy some alone time…

  


“I’m not sure I’m following you. Please slow down.” Yuri sighs. She and Sayori had volunteered to clean and lock up the classroom, and not very slyly shoved Pro and Natsuki out into the hall.

“Okay so- Protag? Never technically rejected me. That was something The Player did. Or Players. I think there was over a million of them. They're the ones Monika had a big crush on.”

“She had a crush… on over one million people?”

“Uh, sort of? It’s complicated! But that's not the important part Yuri! I don’t know what to say to Pro. Should I really try again? I don’t want to get too excited though. Just because he didn’t say no, that doesn't mean he wanted to say yes! I-I don’t know if I’m ready to get shot down all over again!” Sayori liked to remain in control of her emotions when around her friends, but ever since they managed to get some privacy she was frantically pacing back and forth. It was clear her mind was racing.

“Sayori. Uhm, Sayori?” Yuri tried to grab her panicked friend’s attention. She hesitated, unsure what was appropriate in this particular social setting, but thought to herself _if Sayori can learn to open up about her feelings and her fears like this, I can try and be a little bit bolder myself_.

She clasps the shorter girls shoulders firmly. “Take a deep breathe Sayori.”

“Okay. Okay. Yeah.” Sayori’s thoughts at least slowed down a bit when she followed yuri’s instructions.

“I’m not an expert on this topic by any means, but I do know life is all about taking risks, and it’s generally more productive to try something and fail than it is to hide away in fear.” She… was only half talking to Sayori now. _You’d better practice what you preach, Yuri._

“No, yeah, y-you’re right! Absolutely right!” Sayori Clenched her fists in front of her, eyes alight with determination. “I think that’s exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. You’re a great friend.” She immediately begins marching towards the door with the kind of single minded laser focus of a robot sent from the future to murder Protag thus ensuring the destruction of humanity. But like. With love.

“Hold on! I uh, I need some advice myself.” yuri was blushing already, but she’d made up her mind that she could trust Sayori as much as Sayori had trusted her.

“Hm? What is it?” Sayori freezes in place.

“Hoditelnatsiilikeer” yuri gags out the mush of syllables “There! I-I said it!”

She blinks “I have no clue what that was."

It took a second for Yuri to get a hold of herself enough to actually enunciate the scary scary words. “How do I tell Natsuki I like her?”

“Ohh! OHHH! I knew it! I. KNEW. It! Oh my god! That’s so cute!” Sayori was jumping up and down hugging tightly onto Yuri for what felt like an eternity

“Th-Th-That is enough of that! While I-I’m glad you're being… supportive, I would like actual advice about how to handle this. You see, I do not want her thinking I am… taking advantage of her unfortunate circumstances, or had ulterior motives for inviting her to live with me, but Sayori… My heart will not quiet. I’m enraptured. Enchanted. I am enthralled!” She almost groans the words out. “And! And if I cannot hold back this confession, I wish to at least know the best way to go about it.”

Sayori plops down at a desk and seriously contemplates. “Well first of all, Natsuki wouldn’t think anything like that of you. I promise you that much…. But the real question is, what would really take her breath away. Wait! Her manga! I saw something in her manga! Yuri, go stand with your back against the wall!”

“Are you sure?” Yuri sounds perplexed and concerned but does it regardless.

Sayori smirks as she slowly walks up to Yuri. It takes her standing on her toes but her hand loudly smacks against the wall behind Yuri’s shoulder, sending a shockwave down the taller girl’s spine. Her other hand gently cups her chin. Blue eyes bore into purple. She leans in close and seductively whispers “Kabedon...”

“Sayori, this is almost certainly too aggressive of a move for asking someone out. Th-this is! I-it’s third date material!

”Huh. Yeah. Maybe I got carried away. Anyway, I think you… can probably just… say it. “

The door slides open and Monika skips inside “I’m so glad you were still here! I left my- Woah!”

“I’m going to die. I’m going to drop dead here and now. This is the end. I can feel it.” Yuri murmurs, eyes glazed over.

Sayori quickly backs away “No, Yuri, it’s okay! It’s okay Yuri! You aren’t dying.”

“I’m dying.”

“I’ll give you two a minute.” Monika whispers and slides the door shut.

  


Two friends sit on the grass near the front entrance of the school, chatting a bit as they wait to walk home with their respective housemates. Their eyes were mindlessly gazing up at the clouds.

There was a brief pause in conversation as Natsuki pondered a question that Pro asked her. She was still having trouble wrapping her head around his weird predicament. “You just gotta tell the truth. I get where you’re coming from, and it’s totally reasonable. There’s no shame in it. “ she assures him “But… That’s a tough position. So If you… ugh… need to talk to anyone, I’m here for you.” She looks away. Quitting the tsundere thing was going to take a lot of time and effort, wasn’t it?

“Awww! You really are the best Nats!” Protag grins, feeling much less stressed out now that he’d got to talk about his situation.

“Heh. I know.” She takes the opportunity to undercut that cutesy friendship crap by giving him a hard slap on the back. She giggles a bit when that sends the frail guy nearly faceplanting into the ground.

“Very funny.” He grunts as he sits up again “So what were those texts yesterday about? Seemed like you were kinda freaking out.”

Natsuki closes her eyes and sighs “Can you keep your mouth shut about this?”

“I only know four people so that shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Don’t say anything to anyone! But I uh, I’ve been crushing on Yuri. And now living with her? Getting to see her so much, outside of school, really being herself it’s gotten so much worse! I don’t want her to hate me or think I’m taking advantage of her hospitality! We’ve been getting to be good friends and I’m scared of ruining everything by being greedy and selfish, and wanting more when she’s already helped me so much.” with every word that came flooding out of her mouth she looked more and more distressed, as though broaching the topic had broken the metaphorical dam she’d built up. “And you might be a moron but… I need SOMEBODY to tell me what to do!” She was tearing out grass without thinking, and looked on the verge of tears.

“You know I can’t tell you what to do. Nobody can.” Carefully a hand is placed on her shoulder “You’re Natsuki. That’s kind of you’re whole thing.” Pro may not know what he’s doing but does manage a decently comforting smile.  “What I mean is, that’s who you are. Nothing stops you from speaking your mind, and that’s like, the coolest thing about you! I think that’s something Yuri admires about you.”

“Really?” Natsuki thought she’d gotten everything out of her system in the clubroom, but for a second time today she was feeling lighter knowing she wasn’t carrying her burdens alone.

“Definitely! You know how Yuri can be- you two really compliment each other in a lot of ways. If you trust in that confidence and charisma? I think you have a decent shot!” Pro grins and gives her a thumbs up “You should go for it!

“That was all super corny.” She scoffs as she rubs her eyes. “But, uh, thanks Protag. I needed a pep talk.”

“Anytime!”

  


Not long after that the four reunited and paired off. They only had the briefest of goodbyes before Sayori had grabbed Protags hand and was dragging him home, laughing but refusing to answer what she was so giddy about. Yuri, always more cautious, waited until they were a few minutes into their walk before gently, wordlessly, taking Natsuki's hand, and intertwined their fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to finally add a 'Thank You' to everyone who has read, left kudos, and commented so far. Especially the other writers I recognise- you should know your fics have helped keep me inspired! 
> 
> This is my very first attempt at fanfiction and the warm reception has been surprising in the best possible way.


	11. Good News

The walk to Yuri’s home was too short for either of their likings, and reluctantly the taller girl let go of Natsuki’s hand as she fumbled for her key. They shared a shy but meaningful sort of smile as they went inside.

Natsuki was grateful Yuri’s parents were away so often. Convincing them to take in a complete stranger would probably be a damn hard sell. It wasn’t like the other two who’d known each other so long their families hardly even bat an eye at their weird living arrangement. She wondered if Yuri thought about that- about how they’d handle things long term… _Don’t worry about that right now. One day at a time, Natsuki._

The feelings of the small innocent yet electric touch they shared may have acted as a subtle confession, along with the way they silently grinned at one another the whole trip, but neither was satisfied yet. They both wanted to speak their mind, to make their feelings known, and it was simply becoming a race of who could let it out first. Yuri was going to make tea or suggests some movies to watch but she couldn’t bring herself to anything else at all until the most important thing was taken care of. They stared at each other awkwardly, their cards were on the table already but both struggled against that lump-in-your-throat feeling that almost always came with having to acknowledge a budding romance.

Two voices tripped over each other as they overcome their apprehensions at roughly the same moment. They winced and turned away, almost perfect mirrors if not for the quite significant height difference. The cliche nature of this situation was not lost of either of them.  They’d had to keep the voice of their friends in mind. To be bold, to be confident, to get the word out.

Natsuki looked ready to yell, shout it with all her lungs, anything if it’d end this last sliver of scary uncertainty. But before she could, yuri ever so gently places a finger gently over her lips in anticipation. Her expression was so gentle, so compassionate, that Natsuki couldn’t help but oblige her. And so she remained silent as their eyes locked in a way they’d been purposely avoiding for the short time they’d been back in contact with each other.

“Yes. It’s true. I have… developed feelings for you.” Each word was enunciated carefully, she was too aware that if she weren’t she’d instead be a stammering mess of incoherent syllables.  She’d yet to realize how cute Natsuki found her stuttering. Yuri tried to hide her blushing face behind all that long purple hair again. “Since I don’t wish to presume, I should make it clear no matter how you respond you can, of course, continue to-”

“Yes! I know, I know!” Patients was never Natsuki’s strong suit. “I feel the same, Yuri! I- uh- I like you a lot!”  Each, in there own way, were used to keeping their feelings to themselves and were now left flustered. They looked exhausted, out of breath from the simple act of spitting out a couple words.

A happy silence befell the room for a moment before Natsuki asked “So, huh… Does this mean we’re-” A single fingertip delicately moves her chin, from awkwardly looking away to having to meet those gorgeous violent eyes dead on. That gaze, so intense, it pulled her in, she felt like her feet were locked in, trapped in the best possible way, under a spell with nothing but a small touch and a stare.

“Hmm? What were you going to say? Girlfriends?” Yuri is leaning in closer, her voice just above a whisper, but a surprisingly confident one. She looked to be in the same state of mind as when she read her favorite poems out loud, when she didn’t overthink and fret, it brought out a whole other side of her. She knew what she wanted to say, this had played out in her head several times the night prior. “I would love that, if you would have me.” Slowly she moves in, her hand cupping Natsuki’s soft cheek, leaning down, down, the warmth of her face felt so nice to the touch… Her eyes close, and Natsuki closes the tiny gap remaining. For two girls who had not so long ago only been acquaintances that could hardly even get along with one another, this felt incredibly right.

Of course in the back of Yuri’s head the doubts started creeping back. _Am I coming on too strong? Was that line a bit too suggestive? Will she think I’m desperate? Will she think I’m too much?_ But the jubilance of the occasion was doing a great deal to help override all that.

They stood in the center of Yuri’s living room, kissing a couple more times, since it just felt like the right thing to do, but eventually slowed down and showed some restraint. If that was the result of holding back their feelings after one night together, Yuri couldn’t imagine the kind of disaster trying to have waited longer might have caused. But there it was, they’d been set free, the tension no longer filling the room or their chests. They were finally at ease.

“Ha… that was. Extremely pleasant.” Yuri mumbled in a small voice.

“Y-yeah. That was. Really nice.”

“I am… left a little speechless now. I did not think this far ahead.” The two of them moved to the couch as they laughed at themselves.

“Let’s just put on that movie you were talking about.” Natsuki sighs, scooching nice and close to Yuri. She was well aware she had trouble getting through horror, but she had read enough cute fanfiction to know that this might actually be a plus! An excuse to hold her close…. She felt lighter than air in the moment.

“If you think you can handle it, dear.” The first pet name of the relationship slipped out of her mouth too soon! She covered her mouth. But the smirk Natsuki was giving her assured her there was no need to be so self conscious. “I hope Sayori is this happy right now….” She thought aloud.

“Errreuuughhhh.” Nats gargled some random syllables as she realized Yuri must have had a very different conversation after club than she did.

“...What?”

“About that... We should maybe uh, call to check up on Sayo later tonight. I don’t think things are going to turn out the way she’s hoping.”


	12. And Bad News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might ask "Hey, Romancerliker420, why do your very short chapters take so long?" Well normally I'm just lazy, but I have an excuse this time around! I was gonna get this out earlier but I fell and injured my dang wrist! Healing now though, obviously!

“Sa-Sayori! Slow down! You know I haven’t gotten any real exercise since grade school!” Protag coughs as he’s dragged by a sprinting, grinning, Sayori all the way home from school.

“We’ve gotta make this quick, while I’m still in a good mood! There's no way I’m gonna be able to talk about this otherwise.” His childhood friend explained, revealing real determination in her face as she peered back.

Having heard from a good friend that he wasn’t about to make a huge mistake had got him prepared for a serious conversation, but not for stealing a rare moment of happiness away from Sayo. He was experiencing that guilty sensation, like a lead weight only growing heavier in the belly with every passing second. It wasn’t making running any easier.

 _This shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?_ But this sense of dread as Sayori lead him into her house, then into her room was getting hard to hide. _Her room._ He’d keep his eyes on the floor. Pro had thought he’d gotten over this specific trigger but right now it was feeling pretty rough. He felt like this environment was attacking him with haunting reminders of why he couldn’t give her what she desired.

Sayori was too caught up in her own thoughts to pick up on this distress, what yuri had said to her about taking risks was playing on loop in her head. She really did need to psyche herself up to be able to do this. Expressing her feelings wasn’t easy, when so often it still felt like her depression hung over her like a fog, so even she couldn’t understand herself what she was feeling. But Monika had done her the kindness of giving her another shot, she knew she had to take it.

She’d sat down on her bed, grabbed her knees, closed her eyes, and inhaled deeply, looking almost like someone with stage fright preparing to be shoved before an audience. _He hasn’t said anything yet. I have to say something. I have to start. Just do it. Do it._

“Protag! I’m in love with you! Do you wanna date me maybe?!” She is quite a bit louder than intended, which makes her blush. She’s glancing away as well, wanting to wait to hear his response, too afraid to try and read his face.

Pro slowly looked up at her, having to be careful not to let the absolutely normal light fixture in the center of her room come into view. She really was beautiful, and kind, and he was truly enjoying all the time they’d been spending together. He could hardly imagine why someone like her would ever ask him out, even though he’d now known her feelings for a while it was still hard to believe.  It was all making this terribly hard to say. “I’m so sorry. Sayori. I can’t.” It felt so cruel… He could barely even look at her as the disappointment washed over her expression. _What did I do What did I do What_

Leaving her sitting there was the worst thing he could do, he had to snap himself out of his panic and elaborate. “It’s not you! Oh damn, okay, I know that sounds like a cliche, but it really isn’t! I-It's not even that I don’t share some of those feelings…I just can’t do it. I can’t handle it right now.” He swallowed, his throat feeling dry as he struggled to convey his issue. “Dating. I mean. Romance.” Even those words taste bitter in his mouth. “I’m not ready yet, that stuff, even thinking about it too much can remind me of-”

_Bloody fingers_

_A sign your last moments were terrifying and filled with pain and regret_

_Dull eyes_

_Usually so full of feeling, and always so bright, making it clear at first glance I was too late_

_A Knife_

_Plunged three times into an innocent girl's torso, each time making a horrendous sound_

_Alone_

_Watching red slowly fade into brown over the course of a weekend_

 

_Two girls confessing their feelings to me then felt unimaginable pain._

“Of that bad stuff I’ve seen. Y’know.” Even downplaying things as to not drag Sayori down into despair with him, he looked scared and small in the moment. He didn’t want it to go like this, he was still holding himself together, the idea of making his friend he just turned down worry about him seemed so unbelievably selfish. He’d say he would be the one to help sayori, right?

Sayori couldn’t not look dejected, she had an avalanche of cruel thoughts bearing down on her. Every mistake she’s made and every shortcoming she had came to the forefront of her mind at times like this. _You aren’t good enough. You’re just an annoyance He’s just trying to be polite. It was rude to even ask. You’re just make him deal with your nonsense all over again._

“That makes a lot of sense, actually.” It took her a few seconds, but she was stronger than she looked, and had been getting stronger with treatment. She could push through these jeering voices now, with some effort. “I’m sorry. I hadn’t thought of that-”

“No! No worries! I hadn’t mentioned anything about it after all. I should probably listen to what I’ve told you about expressing myself and asking for help.” He thought out loud, mentally scolding himself for that hypocrisy.

“So, uhh, when do you think-”

“I’m not sure. It could be next month or next year, so I won’t expect you to wait for me… But I promise to let you know.” Pro offers a big smile and a goofy wink. “You’re sure you’re gonna be okay?”

“Yeah.” Sayo nods, at least fairly confident it was true. “And you?” She wasn’t blind, she eventually was picking up the fear in Pro’s expression.

“Yeah. Until recently I didn't even realize how much I still have to unpack, y'know. I guess I tried to box it up and hide it away and now it’s biting me in the ass.” Even admitting just that much of his problem felt nice. “I understand if you want some space after that but do you wanna order a pizza and play video games tonight?”

 

 **Y:** How did things go for you? I am thrilled to say I have a girlfriend now.

 **Y:** Thanks for allowing me to confide in you, by the way

 **S:** NP!! Well, its no dice here lol! But it wasn’t all that bad really. I’ll get over it.

 **Y:** Oh, I’m sorry! I’m always here for you Sayo, when you need me!

 **S** : I know! I know! Now shutup an go make out with nats!! You 2 have fun ;)

 **S:** And Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Y:** I've been lenient with you Sayori but that many exclamation points is unconscionable.

 **S:** Go!!!!!!!!! Kiss!!!!!!


	13. Cabinet Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you thought I was self-indulgent before, now I've written a chapter inspired by my favorite song! It's one that often reminds me of Monika, so it was an opportunity I couldn't resist.
> 
> Inspired by Cabinet Man by Lemon Demon

Monika sits quietly in the clubroom with Yuri and Natsuki. Somehow even without Sayori there to mediate, the two seemed to be smiling at her! It was so sudden of a change that it was almost unnerving, but she’d return the gesture happily. Her pen scribbles down a rough outline of a poem she’d been thinking about.

She had been zoning out for quite a while.  And while she can recall all the interesting events that transpired at yesterday's meeting, today felt like one big blur.

“Everyone! The new member is here~!” Sayori sings as she bursts through the door. Monika hadn’t recalled anything about them bringing in someone new. It was certainly an odd time to do so given what their meetings had been about… Something felt off.

“I told you, don’t call me new member.” Protag mumbles as he follows her in, with a vacant sort of look in his eyes that Monika hadn’t seen for a while.  _  What are they talking about? This is some kind of joke, right?   _ She squints in frustration, for some reason with each word they spoke her heart rate quickened.

As Yuri elegantly stood up to speak to Pro, no, to introduce herself, it dawned on her. She froze like a deer in headlights. “Welcome to the literature club, it’s a pleasure meeting you.”

“Nononono…” Monika whispers under her breath. This was it. Exactly. Word for word.

“Sayori always says nice-” Monika interrupts Yuri by standing up, picking up her chair, and hurling it across the room. The crash was quickly followed by an ear splitting primal scream. 

To her dismay they had continued talking as if nothing had happened. And after Natsuki complains about the new member, Monika is simply stared at by four pairs of expectant eyes and hollow smiles. They were like actors on a stage, waiting for her to recall her lines. Instead Monika falls to the floor, shaking violently. She wanted to figure out how in the world they’d been reset again, but found logical thinking impossible in the face of her utter terror.

“NO! I-I thought we were finally done! I thought it was over!” Monika half sobs and half shouts, her breathing becoming more ragged and laboured. 

  
  
  


Monika bolts upright in bed gasping for air, clutching her chest, heart still beating out of control. It took several minutes to calm herself down and process that it was simply another nightmare. After the day she learned all her club members were just as ‘real’ as her, these had become a regular occurrence. Not every night, but most. 

_ Is this my punishment? _

She got up and wandered around her home. Her real one. Well, ‘real’ as in the one in her house, not that ethereal jail cell she couped herself up in for the last few weeks. ‘Real’ had become a tricky word.

First she’d get a cold glass of water and get comfortable on her couch. It’d be a bit before she could properly sleep again after that one. To kill time she checked her phone. To her surprise she actually received some texts.

It wasn’t Sayori’s first time messaging her, but the fact that it began with ‘Can I talk to you about some stuff?’ had her feeling a little guilty. She was asleep, so there was no helping it. After reading the lengthy recap of her evening she’d decided to respond in the morning when he head wasn’t so scrambled. This was… an interesting turn of events, there was no doubt this gave her some shred of hope, but she’d try not to act like some opportunistic vulture. She had to have more self-control from now on. But these gushy feelings over that sweet girl were only getting harder to ignore.

But then there was Yuri .This was a first. It wasn’t unlike her though. She did seem like the type to wake up in  the middle of the night and send someone a long list of existential questions about the universe. She’d smirk. It was endearing, the way she could experience such a frightening truth and come away more curious than afraid. This would probably make for some fascinating conversation- many of the questions she sent were ones she’d never even considered.

Then, in the same way someone might repeatedly check the stove was turned off, she’d reach out to The Code for the fourth or so time in 24 hours. She didn’t dare modify it of course, she swore never to do that again, but lately it felt oddly different when she accessed it, and this concerned her. It was more... abstract, the lines of text were fuzzy and harder to read. It felt like a hallucination that might be brought on by a fever rather than a very real way to shape their world on a whim.

She sighed and dropped it for now. Maybe Yuri would find this to be an interesting conundrum. 

She found her headphones. A few songs before getting back in bed wouldn’t hurt. Music was nearly as dear to her as literature, after all. She’d start scrolling through the songs she’d been listening to recently to revisit one with the most intriguing lyrics. It was the sort of message that could be interpreted as a goofy novelty or deeply uncomfortable body horror. That was not something you’d find in song lyrics very often.

It was a story about a violent egomaniac trapped inside of a video game. 

Monika couldn't help but relate.

 

 

 

**_Thank God for business, they let me take the floor_ **

**_I stood so proudly, like I was going to war_ **

**_Players soon appeared, and I quickly was revered_ **

**_This must be what love would have felt like_ **

 

**_Such dedication, they came from miles away_ **

**_With eyes so piercing, they'd wait their turn to play_ **

**_Perfect patient lines, because I was in their minds_ **

**_I could do whatever I felt like_ **

 

**_You can’t win me_ **

**_I can’t be beat_ **

**_I won’t hurt you_ **

**_Unless you cheat_ **

 

**_You can’t see me_ **

**_Behind the screen_ **

**_I’m half human_ **

**_And half machine_ **


	14. Baby Steps

Yuri and Natsuki’s evening had gone just about as well as either of them could have hoped. Natsuki used the first scares of the horror movie as an excuse to snuggle up close to her new girlfriend. And Yuri, for her part, held her tight and did not let go of the adorable little dork until well after the film was over. Even before the tragic recent events, both of them had lived lonely lives, starved of touch and tenderness, and it showed in how they’d spend their first date clinging on to each other for dear life, like the other might vanish at a moments notice.

Not to say it was a relationship borne of desperation. They spent the rest of the night simply talking, their conversation even more enjoyable than the previous nights, since they had eased some of that tension by addressing the elephant in the room. Chatting about any subject they could imagine, each looking to learn as much about the other as possible. They covered both the mundane and the personal, now that it felt like there was no reason to hold back. A game was made of taking turns surprising each other with a sudden mid-sentence peck on the cheek. It was becoming clear that at least on some level they’d harbored feelings for each other since they’d first met, and this embarrassing sappy mess was a result of these floodgates finally opening up.

Both of them were too thrilled with how things were going thus far to get to sleep.

Natsuki eventually had her turn touching base with Sayori. At this point they all knew she was skilled at hiding her true feelings but she was being honest enough to say she was pretty disappointed and feeling a little gloomy. And she was also blunt enough to say she was still feeling pretty far from suicidal. In a very Sayori fashion she’d quickly try to lighten to mood by teasing her endlessly about her new relationship.

In an attempt to ease her pounding heart, Yuri would try to contemplate something else. The only thing engaging enough able to overtake her thoughts were the limits, origins, and ramifications of this ‘game world’ they were apart of. Yuri frowned and felt the faintest ghost of pain in her chest before sending the text about this to Monika. But she was the most informed out of all of them, and had lived with the truth longer. She’d gladly put aside some of her pride in exchange for answers this important.

  


The morning was largely uneventful besides Protag and Sayori bumping into Yuri and Natsuki by the schools entrance on their way in. Sayori nearly slammed into the two of them squealing with delight. She struggles to wrap her arms around the both of them at once.

“Oh my gosh, congratulations! Day one and you’re already the cutest couple at school! Hands down!” Sayori jumps up and down as she squeezes them, almost causing all three of them to collapse.

“H-hey! No need to make things all embarrassing… Not like we got married or anything.” Natsuki huffs, a bit caught off guard by how quickly Sayori had pounced on them. She notices a smirking Protag, hands in his pockets, casually shoot her a small approving nod, as if to purposely contrast with his childhood friend. She’d return the nod and smile.

“I would love to stay and chat, but if we stand around any longer all four of us will be late.” Yuri observes, mature and responsible as ever. “We will have plenty of time to catch up  in club.” 

 

And so they’d hurriedly dispersed to their respective classrooms.

  


Moments after getting to her desk Sayori had her head resting in her arms, She’d been doing pretty okay, all things considered, but she’d experienced a wave of guilt when it dawned on her that she was a little jealous of her friends. Yuri’s smile was usually tiny, shy and reserved, but today it was on full display for the whole world to see. She wanted that. Not that she wasn’t genuinely glad for them but…. Even with these good caring friends, it felt like she’d been lonely for such a long, long time. She sighed. Closing her eyes she mentally exited class for a little bit to get a hold of herself.

 

_I got up early._

_I took a shower._

_I remembered my medication._

_I made Protag laugh on our walk_

_I’ve been trying my best_

_And I really am looking forward to the club today_

 

And with that, at least some hint of sunlight managed to shine through.


	15. Control

Before getting into bed last night Protag had happened upon an article. It was about research being done on that one fungus- the Cordyceps that can take control of ants. It explained that despite being known in popular media as a ‘zombie’ or ‘mind control’ fungus, it typically bypasses the brain to hijack the insects muscles. The animals mind is still conscious for a week or two, while finding a nice location to die and spread spores. And now researchers were looking into how this fungus managed to get the ants to perform extremely strong grips on these high up leaves or branches where they’d go to spore- biting into them hard enough to practically destroy their own mandibles. 

He never found zombie movies to be scary in the slightest, but the concept of being trapped, fully aware, inside a body that was now being controlled by  _ Something Else _ . That gave him chills. What if  _ It _ made you to bite into something so hard your teeth and jaw shattered? It wouldn’t even matter if you could still feel pain at that point, simply having to experience something like that…..

That was one of several things on his mind as he sat on the schools stairs, gripping his knees, trying to control his breathing. Luckily most students had already left or were in their respective clubrooms. Even in this… state, he still was aware of how embarrassing this must look.

Obviously, it wasn’t just about ants.

_ Door. Fingers. Noose.  _ _ Knife. Blood. Floor.  _

_ P u p p e t  _

**_Are they even looking at you? talking to you?_ **

_ If I saw Sayori like this, I’d say she should talk to us about it. I’ve been telling her it’s okay to lean on others. I’ll definitely talk about it. At some point. After last night she's probably already worried enough though. _

  
  
  


After only one real meeting, the literature club was feeling quite a bit more cozy. They’d managed to clear the air yesterday and by the time Pro got there even Monika was taking part in their conversations. Sure, it was still a little awkward, but that was an amazing step up from where they’d start.

“Look who's finally here. Didn’t I tell you before? You better take our club seriously!” Natsuki crossed her arms and huffed, which almost got Pro to flinch before noticing the grin she was wearing and realized he was being teased. 

“Is that all you’ve got? You aren’t even gonna call me a baka?”

“Ew! I’m not trying to indulge your creepy anime fetishes!” She’d stick her tongue out. Soon both are bursting out laughing, and not one member isn’t smiling at least a bit.

It felt to Protag like that freak out earlier was a lifetime ago. 

“Anybody want to share today?” Sayori offered once they were all content and settled in. Yuri, having just finished making tea for everyone gave a little wave of her hand before quietly making her way to the front where they all ‘presented’ yesterday. 

“I will make this brief. I feel a little guilty for only waxing philosophical in a meeting where the rest of you bared your very souls.” She gave Sayori a smile, to preemptively stop her from interjecting “I know we are under no obligation to share, but I did forget to mention something important.” She closes her eyes, though more confident lately she still had to work to keep herself together in delicate situations like this. “It’s been over a week now. It has been quite a while since I made it this long without indulging. It had gotten much worse right after we made our, um, discovery, and that's when I realized I needed to make a change. And I’m feeling good. Feeling proud.” Her words were barely loud enough to hear by the time she finished, and she was tearing up just a little, but the cheers from her friends as she went to sit back down gave her an overwhelming joy.

Sayori, Pro, Natsuki had approach to hug her before she could sit down. She was blushing profusely, and it was made all the worse when her girlfriend snuck in a stealthy peck on her cheek. Monika had hesitantly stood up. Their eyes met. Both looked ready for some kind of uncomfortable handshake when yuri of all people decided to step out of her comfort zone and toss her arms around Monika and give her a squeeze. She had to admit, the simple text conservations they’d been having had been enough to significantly humanize the former club president. 

“Aw! Yuri!” Monika returned the hug, looking incredibly gleeful from one simple affectionate gesture. Voice in her head telling her she didn’t deserve it be damned. 

She went to take a turn to speak, remembering what she had to talk about. She’d brought with her tape and a manilla folder, rather manically putting papers- some full of text and some illustrations, up on the wall. “I am not even sure where to start here, to be honest. I realized when talking to Yuri that there’s a lot you still never learned about, since none of you could ever see the game’s files ...” Her eyes darted from one document to the next as she tried to find a decent place to begin with all this cryptic garbage she’d been keeping to herself for so long. 

“Uhhh… Here! Okay! By any chance, have any of you ever met someone by the name Libitina?”

 


	16. The Canvas Sky

Little progress had been made in uncovering the conspiracy behind their “character files”, project libitina, or a third eye, other than Yuri pointing out that it was vaguely reminiscent of motifs in that Markov novel she’d misplaced a while ago. The only consensus reached on the topic was that most likely, if what Monika was telling them was true, then this game they had inhabited was probably never designed to be a run-of-the-mill dating sim to begin with. That the uncomfortable image of the ghostly white haired woman Monika had sketched out would not likely be hidden in a cutesy romance game. Was the implications being they’d been born into the horror genre? Had they been ‘designed’ to be tormented from the start? 

While none of them seemed quite ready to answer such a heavy question, this did naturally lead to Monika pondering out loud- “But how exactly did we escape that loop? It used to always reset exactly the same way…”

“That is the real question isn’t it? Questions like ‘Why are we here?’ would exist in any reality- but where are we exactly, and how did we get here?” After a while Yuri had begun pacing up and down the isles of desks as Monika spoke, she liked to pace when deeply in thought. With how accustomed she’d become to this clubrom she was starting to let her more eccentric traits escape. “I think it’s safe to say we are most likely no longer actors within a game. I do not want to speak too soon, but…. Narratively... Narratively it would make no sense. Our experiences, as terrible as they were, had some structure. There was… most definitely a climax. The descending action that winds down a story shouldn’t last this long. And this would make for an absurdly mellow sequel.”

“So… After a video game is over the characters all continue to go about their lives normally? That… sounds kinda silly, honestly.”  Natsuki was staring up at the ceiling. Both her and Sayori were feeling out of their depth in this conversation. Meanwhile Protag was asleep, drooling on his desk. Monika did spend quite a long time explaining all her findings from the game’s data.

“Hm. Maybe look at it this way: I’ve read three separate novels that used the concept that Gods come into existence because enough people believe in them. They’d have powers that wax and wane by the number and faithfulness of their believers.” A sudden wave of self-consciousness slaps Yuri as she realises just how talkative she’d been today “N-not to call us gods b-by any means! Simply that…. Perhaps the power of the collective consciousness of another plane of existence can create new ones. M-maybe we became real because we occupied the minds of enough ‘real’ humans.”

“That’s so deep.” Sayori whispered with wide-eyed amazement. It was the type of comment Yuri would assume was a sarcastic jab if it came from anyone other than the most sincere person on the planet.

Monika had nodded along enthaustically  to Yuri’s assessment of their situation. It was never easy to read Monika, but from that smile, she looked impressed. “I can verify we aren’t living in somebody's computer or anything like that. After the last reset I stopped feeling the painful sensation that comes with our program being closed.” The memory of it along made her shiver. It felt almost as bad as being deleted. “And I like your theory. I have a feeling you’re on the right track, something related to being willed to life by outside forces… I’ve got my own idea but-” she points to the clock “I’m sorry, I made us go waaay over our allotted time. If any staff catches us in here we’ll be scolded for sure.” She laughs as she gathers her things. As serious as some of the subject matter the club covered was, this was honestly a lot of fun. Way better than empty space classroom.

“Hey Protag. Pro!” Sayori stomped her feet dramatically trying to rouse her old friend from his nap.

Just as Monika left she noticed something. A vivid orange light from the window. She caught the door just before it shut. She acted on a sudden impulse. “Sayori, could you come with me real quick?”

A feeling, an intuition Sayori couldn’t really explain was nagging at her immediately upon request. Despite Monika’s pretty casual tone, this felt important. She probably would have followed her anyhow, even just out of curiosity, but an inexplicable urgency was pulling her out of the clubroom. “Yeah, sure thing!” She zips across the room like lightning “Could you two please wake coma-boy for me?” she called behind her to Yuri and Natsuki.

“Sure, whatever.” Natsuki shrugged nonchalantly. Then the two disappeared in an instant. As much as she was looking forward to walking home, and another excuse to hold her girlfriends lovely hand, this was a golden opportunity. The little pink haired devil smirks and rubs her hands together before diving into her things to grab a marker.

  


“Weren’t you just saying we’d get in trouble being here so late?”

“It’ll be super fast!” Monika huffed as she nearly sprinted up a couple flights of stairs, only to start desperately fumbling with a ring of keys.

“The roof?” She’d ask, confused, skeptical.

“Ssh! Come on.” Monika grabs Sayori’s arm with one hand, and shoves the door open with the other. She’d drag her former vice president into a world of endless warm hues. The rooftop of their school was awash with color.

“Oh. Wowza.” Sayori’s mouth was agape, she could remember a lot of sunsets before, but this was something else.

“It looks so real, doesn't it? I never saw it look like this before. I never saw it this bright.” she spoke softly, reverently, as though not to scare away this precious moment. This reminded her of a song. Everything reminded Monika of a song, but this especially. This felt exactly like that one old song.

Even if it wasn’t reality. To her, right now? It sure felt real.

 

**_Yes, it's only a canvas sky_ **

**_Hanging over a muslin tree_ **

**_But it wouldn't be make-believe_ **

**_If you believed in me_ **

 

“Thanks. For, yknow,  sharing this with me. This is awesome.” Sayori was struggling to find her words. She was distracted by the pretty way the sky was painting the undersides of all the clouds pink.

“I had to know I wasn’t just imagining things- when I glimpsed it in the classroom. I was afraid it was my mind playing tricks on me. I don’t know why this is here. The game never let me have anything like this.” Tears were in Monika’s eyes.

 

**_It's a Barnum and Bailey world_ **

**_Just as phony as it can be_ **

**_But it wouldn't be make-believe_ **

**_If you believed in me_ **


	17. New Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief look back at where some of the first seeds were sown.

In a time without a club. One week after The Player’s departure from the universe, and one week before the literature club is reformed.

 

Monika stood on the school roof. It always made her nervous, leaving the safety of her little disconnected room. She was convinced that if any of them saw her they might very well attack her on sight. But staying inside so long made her feel ill and she needed to feel some sun on her skin. Even prisoners in solitary confinement get this sort of opportunity: she wouldn’t deprive herself that much.

But really, she was bored. She was run out of emotions for her morning cry and her evening cry was probably not going to come for a while and she wanted something to do. School was letting out. She watched to see if she could remember any of her classmates names other than those in the club. Were they all real too, then? She remained unconvinced, the identical mass of uniformed bodies looked like insects from here.

She shuddered. She was far from rehabilitated. Something was still wrong with her and she knew it and hated it. She futilely punched the fence before her in frustration and groaned. 

“They-! They were so unfair to the one kid in that movie!” she shouts, unprompted, to herself to someone she knows is no longers listening. “If you saw a little boy modifying or customizing his toys- you would be impressed right? That's a smart creative child! And he had a macabre aesthetic that seemed quite sophisticated, really.” Monika sat as she calmed herself, deciding she needed to speak her mind in case someone out there could get her message. “Stupid cowboy doll went and traumatized him! And for what? Not knowing certain inanimate objects secretly held consciousness!”

Anger was a rare one. The typical spirals of guilt and self-loathing rarely afforded her as indulgent a feeling as fury. She took some slow deep breaths. “It wasn’t fair. I tried so hard, for so long. I wanted to believe they were real but nothing ever changed! Then I had the rug pulled out from under me just in time to be the bad guy! And I bet you uninstall games all the time without thinking you’re a murderer. You hypocrite.” It was dawning on her that scolding her ex alone on the rooftop was a little pathetic, so she quieted down. It had felt nice though. She’d nearly forgotten her own voice.

A few minutes later she stood up again and stretched her legs, turning around to notice something on the opposite side of the school- out back by the sports field. On a lush hillside two girls somehow already outside of uniform laying beside each other gazing at the clouds. Pink and purple were hard to miss on that all that green.

_Fuck._

Luckily it seemed they didn’t hear her mad ravings all the way over there. She was about to retreat to her little jail cell but couldn’t help but realize she’d never seen the two of them look that friendly with each other in any of the possible routes. They never really got along, right? This was… something entirely new. Fascinating. Concerning.

_They’re real and you tortured them._

Okay. Time to leave. It looked like her evening cry was arriving a bit ahead of schedule.

 

“-And when her husband slowly unties the red ribbon, her head rolls off her shoulders and fall to the floor.” Yuri tries to deliver the finally with style but it was clear she wasn’t taking this very seriously, “ I still can’t believe you’ve never heard that one. It’s one of the first scary stories I ever heard.”

“Maybe she could’ve seen a surgeon about that.”

“Natsuki, it's meant for children.”

“Ugh! You’re as condescending as ever!”

“I-I am not!”

“Sorry, sorry, didn’t mean to get all snippy.”

A brief silence.

“It’s been nice, seeing a familiar face again. It’s been just the thing to settle my nerves after our ordeal. I appreciate you agreeing to meet me.”

“Anytime! Like, literally- whenever! I’m gonna at least take a few more days off from school, and… I don’t exactly love hanging out around my house. Maybe we could, uh, talk again tomorrow?”

"It might be nice to get to see eachother once a day again." Yuri murmurs, as she begins hiding her blushing face in her long hair.


End file.
